Week 22: Prince of Persia, The Sands of Time

Week 22: Prince of Persia, The Sands of Time

Monday: May 31, 2010

Showtime: 1:50 PM

Location: Fortuna Theater, Theater 1 (Big D)

Well my freakish film fanatics we are here together once again to revel in yet another weekend outing to the theater. And I don’t mean the cultured kind of theater where you dress up in bowties and gowns and wait for months to get tickets with good seats. No my friends I am speaking about  the theater of the common man and woman, our popular Shakespearean stage where the comedies and tragedies depicting life’s ups and downs are played out before our very hearts and minds, the theater where about 8-10 bucks gets you an emotional high, a psychological tremor or a sentimental longing. Yes I am talking about OUR theater. The theater of the American where we all unite in purpose for those few moments to experience what will be paying for rich theater executives and the movie stars 3^rd summer home. Ya I’m talkin’ bout THAT theater!

I apologize if that opening sounded cynical. I have to admit that I didn’t have the best experience to the movies this weekend. I am sorry if that has put me in a mood!  The fact is, in addition to a poor movie experience, I am going to have to admit that I was wrong in just a minute and if you know anything about me you know that I don’t like to be wrong. Some of you may remember that I vowed NOT to see Sex and the City 2 this weekend. And true to my word I didn’t but I DID say that I believed this movie would rule the box office this past weekend. Well I have a confession to make. It appears by the look of the early box office estimates that last week’s movie Shrek Forever After 3D continues at #1 followed by the New Sex and the City 2. That’s right people I was wrong. I admit it. I admit my wrong like Carrie Bradshaw is forced to admit her feelings for Aidan even though she is still “happily” married to John (a.k.a. Big) in Sex and the City 2. And NO I didn’t see the movie… then you may be asking yourself “Mickgee, how could you possibly know this without seeing the movie?” Well my friends that answer and many other answers to life’s mysteries appear later in this blog along with a special guest review/commentary on this week’s #2 movie at the box office.

But before I pass the keyboard over to this weeks special mystery writer I feel obligated to offer my bad natured review of the movie I endured this weekend. Does that sound sarcastic? It does doesn’t it? Ok let’s back the truck up here a minute. First a few points of history about the movie I watched this weekend.

1 Price of Persia the Sands of Time is a video game.

2 Video games are sort of like comic books in that they tell their story visually and with gameplay usually with  cut scenes added to try and tie the story all together.

3 videogames that have become movies are never very good

4 Movies which become videogames are even worse.

5 videogames should never be confused for good movie material no matter how fun or cool the game is to play.

Clearly this is what happened for Prince of Persia, The Sands of Time – The Movie. The director and producers clearly had mistaken the game for a useable movie storyline. Well sort of. The movie is only loosely based on the game to begin with. So I wanna know then – what is the studios excuse? I know this is Disney and they take a LOT of crap from critics. Just to be clear I am NOT a critic but a true fan of movies. I like Disney movies. Does that mean I agree with all the politics and how the company is run… no comment. But I have to say. Disney COME ON! The intellectual property here is not worth doing a mediocre movie. Because we all know you are going to merchandise the hell out of every drop of interest you can squeeze from the general public. I think it is only fair that we identify some potential pitfalls in how this production fits together.

I think all the actors should bring their acting to the same level for a movie. Alfred Molina plays a great role as an entrepreneur racing Ostriches. No kidding.  I love his character and the energy he brings. However that is about all I love about this movie.  Here we have yet another “international” themed movie, a Persian one at that and have NO PERSIAN (Iranian mostly) actors. In fact most people speak with American or British accents. And before you get all Shakespeare on me remember we live in America. Hell in Los Angeles 183 languages are spoken and written every day. But apparently Hollywood – who is just down the street – can’t find a talented international actor. Come on!  So yes the movie is big, even epic at times, in its scope but ultimately the special effects and event sequences in the film are not always clear and let’s be honest any time you introduce the idea of being able to go back in time to fix things aren’t you kind of telegraphing the end of the movie? Oops was that a spoiler? I wish it were however if you are among the millions of Americans who already paid to see this movie you guessed this about 10-15 minutes in to the film. And if you haven’t seen it congratulations! Now go see Shrek Forever After in 3D again. You can thank me later.

Here is what really gets my jimmy in a wedge. Ok we have this great video game called Prince of Persia. Then we decide to improve it and make a game called Prince of Persia, The Sands of Time. So then we decide to make that into a movie. In fact a movie that the studio promised was “the first GOOD game to movie translation ever” Now if you keep track of the entertainment industry you already know that any movie that does even marginally well will be made into a game. So we find ourselves in a little predicament here don’t we? Two video games are already out, then a movie is made. What do we do for the movie to game translation that all the gamers and movie fans expect? How about we do a little play on words and try and reinvent the franchise.  Maybe the game direction could be something like:

Prince of Persia 3: Help Prince Dastan get out of the red with the movie studio for $150,000,000 by selling copies of this game door to door. It’s an exciting adventure for your Xbox 360

Prince of Persian Cats – Garfield is back and so is his faithful sidekick Odie as they laugh their way to Lasagna paradise in the Middle East. Don’t miss it!

Prince of Persia – Hands do Rhyme: See the amazing career of the deaf communities first middle eastern sign language rapper! You can sign along. Available only for the Nintendo Wii.

Prince of Persia – The Forgotten Sands: Wait this IS the name of the new game which will almost certainly be better than the movie. Too bad they could not have “forgotten” to make the movie and stuck with what they did best…games

So rather than me going on and on about how the movie was not all I hoped it would be and the subsequent game may be a disaster in the making let me sum up by saying that I was underwhelmed by this average movie that disappointed me and left me wanting much more than it delivered. Oh ya, I almost forgot. My popcorn was burned. How you can burn popcorn in a machine that does it automatically I don’t know but somehow the team at my new favorite theater managed to pull it off.

Now I know I promised a special guest review of Sex and the City 2. And I will deliver. However at press time the contributing writer is still putting the finishing touches on their masterpiece. So look for a special Week 22 supplemental edition soon.

Until then… I’ll be watching